Self Conversation: Session 1

Why are you looking at me? Did

You lose something?

No... I'm just trying to figure out why you are the way you are.

I've seen the way you have been these last 23 years, and I'm still puzzled as to who you are. Like Now, you as a 23 year old man are never sure of yourself. Why?

I feel I have no reason to be sure of myself. When I was younger my dad left me and my family for reasons unknown. I wasn't sure what exactly I should have done. So I did what I thought would be best... Take the role of not only big brother, but as father figure. Funny... A six year old trying to take on so much responsibility. Childhood was on the back burner. Cooking, Cleaning, Babysitting, and just helping my mom out were the priorities.

What does that have to do with the question?

Well, I have never been sure if I have been good enough. I mean, my family wasn't good enough for my dad to stay. So he left. Leaving me to figure things out for myself. Leaving me UNSURE of what a dad is supposed to teach his children. He left me UNSURE of what things I should know now as a man. One thing he left instilled in me is to be UNSURE, and it has affected me in every aspect of my life thus far.

Oh okay...I see. Well when I look at you, I see someone who is so introverted. Why is that?

I've always have been that way. I don't like to let people in. I just don't. I feel like it makes me less than what I am. I always feel like in some way it will be used against me. To make me look dumb as hell in the future. I find it more safer to just keep what I feel inside. No confrontation, No yelling, No bad attitudes. Everyone will just be happy.

But wait, how is everyone happy if you don't say how you feel? Doesn't that make you unhappy?

In a sense it does, but I've always been the type to care more about others around me and how they feel rather than me and mines. So I learned to just shut it down and smile if everyone else gets their way. I like for everyone to be pleased, even if its at the cost of my own opinions. Kinda backwards, huh? I know.

Well that's probably not the most healthy thing to do. You need to be selfish.

Ya know... I did that a couple times. I first really was selfish when I was about 16 or 17. My mom had a boyfriend who I absolutely despised. I was an over protective son, i guess. But me being selfish, I did everything to try to get my mom to leave this guy alone. I was selfish about my family, especially my mom. They were mine and he couldn't have them unless I said so. I was so selfish to my mom and what she wanted, and it put a strain on our relationship. I became distant from my family because I hated this man and the bond him and my mom had. It brought me back to when my mom and dad had a bond like that. I wanted that for them again deep down, but I knew this would NEVER happen.

Wow... Didn't know you went through that dude... That doesn't mean you can't be selfish sometimes though.

Well I'm not finished... It was late summer 2007. I was twenty and the first one I fell in love with was 23. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. Yes...I said he, that's another subject in itself... But yeah, I had fallen head over heels for him and he for me. It was the best feeling in the entire world. I was on cloud nine. We were able to be physically together for about 2 months, then he had to leave. The day he left, my selfishness very slowly came into play, and not in the way you think. The days turned into months... During that time things seemed to be going well. The little things he did for me made me happy, but at the same time it made me feel like a horrible boyfriend. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to give him the world and I wasn't able to. So what did I do? I became distant. Little by little. Instead of talking on the phone, I claimed to be hanging with friends. Sometimes I wouldn't even answer the phone. I became introvert. Keeping how I felt about our relationship to myself... I was wrong for it. I was SELFISH with my feelings and time because of my pride. In the end, I ended up losing him... We still are friends, but that almost didn't come to be...

Why?

Well Fast forward late summer 2009... I met someone off the Internet. His name was "Morgan". We hit it off well, at least so I thought. We fell for each other fairly quickly, at least on my end. The first person I told was my first love. Not to brag, but because I wanted his approval. He was my friend and I know he would have my best interest at heart. Well, Morgan decided he wanted to not only disrespect me, but as well as my first love. Me being selfish and dumb, I didn't check Morgan like I should have and my first love ended up cutting me off... Months had past and Morgan and I began having issues. I felt alone. I missed talking to my first love... He ended up coming around and we began speaking again. Him being a good friend, he listened to my issues with my new guy. Not thinking about it, I was being so SELFISH!!! Why was I talking about this guy to someone he disrespected?? Months past, Morgan and I continued to have issues... My first love was advising me to just leave Morgan alone, but I wasn't listening. In the end, he ended up blowing up on me as he had every reason to... Why was I going out the way to save a relationship that clearly wasn't in the condition to go on? Why didn't I put in that effort when I was with him? Why WAS I BEING SO SELFISH?! In the end, My first love was absolutely right about Morgan... When it comes down to it...I was SELFISH towards the wrong person because I was UNSURE of the feelings I was feeling at the time.

Damn Recee... That's a whole lot... I'm not sure what to say about that.

Yeah... So you can see why I'm afraid to be Selfish... You can lose so much. You can strain relationships, hurt people you never meant to hurt. All for your own happiness. That's really wack to me.

Yeah Recee, but that's life sometimes... You have to learn by the mistakes you make. Trial and Error... You seem to have the best interest at heart for those you care for, initially. Why can't you have the same attitude for yourself? Its like you don't think you deserve the best of what is offered in life.

Because that's how I feel sometimes... I feel like I haven't gone through as much as those close to me, therefore they deserve better than me. Plus, I say what a lot of people probably think about me anyway.

Recee, you sound ridiculous... That's your low self esteem talking...

...Maybe you are right...

You are a great person... Yes you are flawed but so is everyone else... I've seen you light up when you sing, when you dance, when you are able to make someone smile. and you need to focus on that...

Yeah, I know... It just becomes hard at times.

Yeah that's true, but that's no excuse to just give up... Now my next question for you is why is it you keep living in your past? How are you supposed to experience new people, places, and lessons in life if you keep wanting to re-live things in your past?

That's a good question... I just feel there are somethings in my past that I feel can be corrected in my present and future. There are situations in my past that I felt I wasn't mature enough to deal with at the time and now that I have grown and matured I know I can handle the situations better than before. That's not just when it comes to love, but everyday life.

Yeah everyday life is right, but I know you are talking about love... Don't bullshit me. I know you. LOL. If your past happens to become your future, that's good, but if that isn't the next phase in your life please don't try to force it. Don't become depressed about it either. You just have to know its not the time in your life for that type of relationship with that person again. You are gonna mess around and miss someone great if you keep yourself stuck in the past. You can't keep showing interest in someone who isn't returning the interest, as harsh as that sounds, its true. You'll end up pushing them farther and farther away, and I'm sure you don't want that, especially if they are a good friend. Focus on you during this time of being single...

Ugh...and there goes that saying... Focus on me... I get tired of hearing that... My question to that is this.. How do you focus on yourself when you feel like you aren't yourself without that person? Its like you have to ignore that missing part in yourself in order to be happy... I don't see how that makes sense, But I see what you mean by pushing the person away... I don't want that at all. That's why I just keep how I feel to myself because I want them in my life and don't want to make them uncomfortable...

Yeah, but if you don't tell them how you feel, they will never know whats going on. Now would not be the time to be selfish to yourself. Things like that shouldn't be held in. Its not healthy. Honestly, it'll end up dragging into your next relationship, whenever that may be. Its clear that you still have somethings to deal with, and you will. In that process, you will become an even greater Man, Brother, Son, Friend, and Boyfriend. Just a better Maurice. This isn't the last conversation we will have, there will be plenty more, okay? Lets make it a regular thing. We need to get to know each other more.

I agree. We Do.