MAN VS. NIGGA

So I thought I touch on a subject that has been coming up in some of my conversations as of late. A couple days ago my co-worker was approached by an african american male(About 19 years old), and as they conversed, he asked her "When you gonna make me your "Nigga"?" . She politely responded "I don't want a Nigga, I want a man." He then went on to say that he was a man. When he responded with that it made me realize that the generation of African American males today, clearly DO NOT know the difference from a man and a "NIGGA". I truly believe if both African american males and females knew the difference in the two, they would not be so ignorant in their actions and reactions.

I personally, do not like the use of the word "Nigga". No matter how it is used, Its still degrading in some sort of way. Its a word in the African American community that is used way too much. The males of today strive to be a "Real Nigga" rather than a real man and it is very sad and irritating. To me a "Real Nigga" has lack of so many things that you need in life to be successful. Drive, self respect, education, and responsibilities are just a few things that a "Real Nigga" lacks and will keep them stuck where they are. I can't say all the blame is entirely on the males, I place responsibility on females too. The standards of young African american females of today need to be raised, DRASTICALLY. I hear WAY too much about how they want a "Real Nigga" and when they get just that, they aren't satisfied. They aren't satisfied because they have the definition of a "Real Nigga" confused with a Real Man.

I know this is an ongoing debate among everyone in the African American community and its something that needs to continue to be discussed. What do you think about it?? Weigh in, I would love to hear everyone's thoughts.

Its Been WAAAAAY too long...

Well Hello there ladies and gentlemen!!! Its been a nice six months since I last posted, but I have just been living life. Searching for inspiration. Now I'm back to give you my piece of mind about life as we know it. :-) So stay tuned to more posts of insight in the near future!!!

Letting You in... Random Feelings Revealed.

I have had A LOT of time to myself and these interesting voices, known as my thoughts. Of course I have been reflecting on the year of 2010, and I have to say this has been one of the most emotional years in my life thus far. I've conquered and have failed many obstacles, but the one thing that I still am having the hardest thing doing is letting people into what I really feel. Its so difficult to really let people know how you feel. I was, let me rephrase that, I am still worried about the repercussions of letting people know how I feel about them, or the actions they have taken that affect me. Its hard for me to really admit that. I hate letting people in. I hate being so vulnerable. Yet I long to be in love again... My feelings are so contradicting... Its frustrating... How do I expect to be in a relationship if I don't like to let people in? I'm scared of the bad...I'm scared of the hurt...Scared to fail...Scared to disappoint... Keeping things inside Or letting them known... I feel like either way the feeling is the same. The Feeling of uncertainty... People ask me all the time... Recee, what is wrong with you? and I honestly don't know how to answer the question. I feel like my feelings in certain situations are wrong to feel. And it makes me keep them hidden. I judge the feeling before they can even be expressed. I don't know how to stop... I really feel like I'm going to drive myself insane.... I know I have to stop, but how to stop is so Fuckin hard... I have so many thoughts going through my head and all I can do is think about is how they come off to other people.... Like now. I'm typing and going back and deleting stuff because I don't want to offend people, or people read and talk bad about me. I should just let the thoughts go and not care what people have to say, but i can't. I care too much. Even though I know people don't care that much.... I just don't want to be misunderstood... And I feel like I will be. I don't want confrontation, so I do what I do all the time... I say something and if they person decides to react, I let them and won't say anything, even when I have valid points into why I feel the way I do. But that won't matter because I am Afraid of confrontation. I'm afraid to fight.... Ugh... I feel like no one understands how I feel. Everyone seems to have an answer but doesn't look at the problem thoroughly enough to give a helpful answer...

Untitled...

“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily–we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I came across this quote yesterday morning and it immediately spoke to me. I posted this quote to my status as quick as I could before work, hoping that I could apply it to my life and like Nike, "Just Do It". I should say this now... I may be all over the place in this post, but its best that I get these thoughts out immediately. Lately, I've been going through some difficult times, and I title these times: Being in Love with the Past. Have you ever been in love with yours? Your heart in mind are stuck in the place and time when you thought you were most happy. You wake up in the present day just wishing you could wake up to the way things used to be. That's how I was...Hell... I still do. Being in love is a wonderful thing, but who and what you fall in love with is what makes things a little complicated. I wasn't sure what the reason was for me wanting to be with my past love so bad until now. First off, It was my first love. The first one to tell me they loved me that wasn't family or friends. The first who showed me in so many ways that they loved me. Phone conversations, gifts, just a simple I love you and I miss you. He was mine and I was his. I can't say how many times I've just sat in my room and cried because all I wanted was that again, but time moves on and so do hearts. His had moved on. I didn't want to believe that though. I kept telling myself, "Maybe I still have a chance, Maybe He'll want me again." I was wrong... Once I realized this, i became angry at myself. I was angry at the fact that I could have done so many things different in the past that may have changed the reality of things now. I was angry with myself for still feeling the way I felt about him. I wanted to turn my feelings and emotions off. I wanted to feel no sadness...No pain in my heart... No loneliness. I was embarrassed to even talk to him on the phone or say anything directly to his face because I felt weak and vulnerable. So I hid behind the smiles and laughs, so that no one could get in...

I was more embarrassed because I couldn't be honest with him on how I felt... I didn't want to be a bother to him. A negative energy. A downer. Many sleepless nights... All I would do is lay back and wonder "Why can't it be me to make him happy?" "Why can't it be like it used to be?" ... My answer came directly from him... He had found love again... He had Joy in his heart and spirit once again... I will never forget the feeling I immediately felt... My heart fell to my feet and I got butterflies in my stomach... "How do I react to this?" is what I thought... Its still hard to swallow, but I'm happy for him... He found love again... He deserves it very much... Ask for me.... I'm alright. It still hurts...I'm not gonna lie... But its making me do something I'm still terrified of doing.... Letting go. I just hope one day I will experience the joy of being in love again.. Just not being in love with my past... I will have sleepless nights, I will cry myself to sleep, but its all a part of the process of letting go and moving forward.

"What's Wrong Recee?"

I've been asked this question so many times, and my response was always the same to EVERYONE...Nothing. Well ladies and gentlemen, I have finally broken. "Nothing" is not the answer you are gonna get from me. Everything seems to be wrong with me, and it has been like this for a long time. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I have tried so hard to hide how I feel from everyone. Tried to hide it behind every smile, laugh, and moments of silence. I am far from happy with how my life is right now. I've heard the saying happiness is a choice, in my case its not... I have gone to bed so many nights sick to my stomach because my feelings are all over the place... I'm lonely even in a room full of people. I have restless nights because I feel so unfulfilled with the progress I made in a single day. I'm deeply frustrated with myself because I can't express myself to people like I should. I find myself envious of those close to me who are in loving relationships, and makes me question my self worth. "Whats wrong with me?" is the question that I ask myself everyday. I still regret decisions I made in the past because I thought I wasn't good enough. I become upset with myself because when I have the opportunity to express my feelings to people, I hold it in out of fear of being embarrassed and losing them in my life. Even as I type this post I feel the need to hold back out of fear of people reading this and looking at me in a negative light.

I just want to do well in life, and I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm 23 years old and still living with my mom. I work and come home... and repeat. I feel like I'm going to be by myself for a long time because I can't move on from my first and pretty much only relationship. I'm frustrated because it feels like I was easily gotten over, and here I am still thinking about them and wanting to be with them. Its like "Damn recee, get over it!!" But I can't. They are my friend and the last thing I want is to do is lose them as my friend because I can't get it together. I don't have many people I can call my close friends, so to lose one would devastate me. I have people who I consider my close friends who I barely talk to anymore because I feel like a bother to them...So I just seclude myself so that I don't become one.

I just want to be happy, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore to make that happen. I don't expect anyone to understand what it is I am going through. I don't want people to pity me. I just need everyone to know that I am trying my best to do what is best for me, and right now I'm just at a place where I have no idea what to do. I had to vent some of these feelings out.

Long time, No post...

Hey hey everyone. Its been quite a while hasn't it? Well I've been working on my latest project... Me. LOL. Seriously though, I've been busy as of late. I figured a lot of things out over the past few weeks. I was able to gain closure in a chapter in my life, and as much as I was afraid and hurt in closing it, I can honestly say I'm okay with it and ready to make new moves. SO thats exactly what I have been doing. I really sat down and figured out what I want out of my life right now, and there is surprisingly so many things I want to do. I want to sing, of course, but what a lot of people don't know is that I secretly want to experience the world of Modeling. I look in vibe magazine and other urban magazines and see ads for Sean John, RocaWear, Coogi, and other urban clothing lines, and I've always wanted to be one of the handsome men in the ads. So what did I do? I got a manager(Shout out to I'm It Model and Talent Management!!!). I'm working on my music, and working on becoming a model also. I don't see why I can't. The weight can be lost and I don't look half bad. Actually, I've been told I am handsome. I never really believed that, but I'm becoming more and more fond of myself and starting to believe what others seem to believe. I think I'm falling in love with the person I should have been in love with...MYSELF. I came up with the saying for when I'm feeling down about love, "Its better to be found, than to search". I truly believe this statement, I was so worried about finding love, but when I sat down and thought about it, I know I'm a good man and someone will find me, and if not, oh well I still I got Me. :-) Until then, Its all about me. Its time to do better for myself. Not saying I won't care for others, but I can't care for someone before myself anymore. I've tried it and it doesn't work. There's places I want to be and in order for me to get there I need to work on me and mine. With all this being said, Don't get this twisted, I'm not becoming conceited, just more confident in my abilities and myself. I hope all that read my blog will support my future en devours. I will keep you all posted on the new journeys I am embarking on. Peace, Love, And Soul Food Ya'll!!

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Songs of the Week

Hey hey everyone... New week, new batch of songs...

1. Sunshine - Coko

2. Hot Toddy - Usher featuring Ester Dean and Jay-Z

3. Love is Such a Crazy Thing - P!NK

4. Cold War - Janelle Monae

5. Loving You No More - Diddy-Dirty Money Featuring Drake

Well that concludes this weeks songs of the week. Peace, Love, and Soul Food :-)