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“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily–we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I came across this quote yesterday morning and it immediately spoke to me. I posted this quote to my status as quick as I could before work, hoping that I could apply it to my life and like Nike, "Just Do It". I should say this now... I may be all over the place in this post, but its best that I get these thoughts out immediately. Lately, I've been going through some difficult times, and I title these times: Being in Love with the Past. Have you ever been in love with yours? Your heart in mind are stuck in the place and time when you thought you were most happy. You wake up in the present day just wishing you could wake up to the way things used to be. That's how I was...Hell... I still do. Being in love is a wonderful thing, but who and what you fall in love with is what makes things a little complicated. I wasn't sure what the reason was for me wanting to be with my past love so bad until now. First off, It was my first love. The first one to tell me they loved me that wasn't family or friends. The first who showed me in so many ways that they loved me. Phone conversations, gifts, just a simple I love you and I miss you. He was mine and I was his. I can't say how many times I've just sat in my room and cried because all I wanted was that again, but time moves on and so do hearts. His had moved on. I didn't want to believe that though. I kept telling myself, "Maybe I still have a chance, Maybe He'll want me again." I was wrong... Once I realized this, i became angry at myself. I was angry at the fact that I could have done so many things different in the past that may have changed the reality of things now. I was angry with myself for still feeling the way I felt about him. I wanted to turn my feelings and emotions off. I wanted to feel no sadness...No pain in my heart... No loneliness. I was embarrassed to even talk to him on the phone or say anything directly to his face because I felt weak and vulnerable. So I hid behind the smiles and laughs, so that no one could get in...

I was more embarrassed because I couldn't be honest with him on how I felt... I didn't want to be a bother to him. A negative energy. A downer. Many sleepless nights... All I would do is lay back and wonder "Why can't it be me to make him happy?" "Why can't it be like it used to be?" ... My answer came directly from him... He had found love again... He had Joy in his heart and spirit once again... I will never forget the feeling I immediately felt... My heart fell to my feet and I got butterflies in my stomach... "How do I react to this?" is what I thought... Its still hard to swallow, but I'm happy for him... He found love again... He deserves it very much... Ask for me.... I'm alright. It still hurts...I'm not gonna lie... But its making me do something I'm still terrified of doing.... Letting go. I just hope one day I will experience the joy of being in love again.. Just not being in love with my past... I will have sleepless nights, I will cry myself to sleep, but its all a part of the process of letting go and moving forward.