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“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily–we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I came across this quote yesterday morning and it immediately spoke to me. I posted this quote to my status as quick as I could before work, hoping that I could apply it to my life and like Nike, "Just Do It". I should say this now... I may be all over the place in this post, but its best that I get these thoughts out immediately. Lately, I've been going through some difficult times, and I title these times: Being in Love with the Past. Have you ever been in love with yours? Your heart in mind are stuck in the place and time when you thought you were most happy. You wake up in the present day just wishing you could wake up to the way things used to be. That's how I was...Hell... I still do. Being in love is a wonderful thing, but who and what you fall in love with is what makes things a little complicated. I wasn't sure what the reason was for me wanting to be with my past love so bad until now. First off, It was my first love. The first one to tell me they loved me that wasn't family or friends. The first who showed me in so many ways that they loved me. Phone conversations, gifts, just a simple I love you and I miss you. He was mine and I was his. I can't say how many times I've just sat in my room and cried because all I wanted was that again, but time moves on and so do hearts. His had moved on. I didn't want to believe that though. I kept telling myself, "Maybe I still have a chance, Maybe He'll want me again." I was wrong... Once I realized this, i became angry at myself. I was angry at the fact that I could have done so many things different in the past that may have changed the reality of things now. I was angry with myself for still feeling the way I felt about him. I wanted to turn my feelings and emotions off. I wanted to feel no sadness...No pain in my heart... No loneliness. I was embarrassed to even talk to him on the phone or say anything directly to his face because I felt weak and vulnerable. So I hid behind the smiles and laughs, so that no one could get in...

I was more embarrassed because I couldn't be honest with him on how I felt... I didn't want to be a bother to him. A negative energy. A downer. Many sleepless nights... All I would do is lay back and wonder "Why can't it be me to make him happy?" "Why can't it be like it used to be?" ... My answer came directly from him... He had found love again... He had Joy in his heart and spirit once again... I will never forget the feeling I immediately felt... My heart fell to my feet and I got butterflies in my stomach... "How do I react to this?" is what I thought... Its still hard to swallow, but I'm happy for him... He found love again... He deserves it very much... Ask for me.... I'm alright. It still hurts...I'm not gonna lie... But its making me do something I'm still terrified of doing.... Letting go. I just hope one day I will experience the joy of being in love again.. Just not being in love with my past... I will have sleepless nights, I will cry myself to sleep, but its all a part of the process of letting go and moving forward.

"What's Wrong Recee?"

I've been asked this question so many times, and my response was always the same to EVERYONE...Nothing. Well ladies and gentlemen, I have finally broken. "Nothing" is not the answer you are gonna get from me. Everything seems to be wrong with me, and it has been like this for a long time. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I have tried so hard to hide how I feel from everyone. Tried to hide it behind every smile, laugh, and moments of silence. I am far from happy with how my life is right now. I've heard the saying happiness is a choice, in my case its not... I have gone to bed so many nights sick to my stomach because my feelings are all over the place... I'm lonely even in a room full of people. I have restless nights because I feel so unfulfilled with the progress I made in a single day. I'm deeply frustrated with myself because I can't express myself to people like I should. I find myself envious of those close to me who are in loving relationships, and makes me question my self worth. "Whats wrong with me?" is the question that I ask myself everyday. I still regret decisions I made in the past because I thought I wasn't good enough. I become upset with myself because when I have the opportunity to express my feelings to people, I hold it in out of fear of being embarrassed and losing them in my life. Even as I type this post I feel the need to hold back out of fear of people reading this and looking at me in a negative light.

I just want to do well in life, and I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm 23 years old and still living with my mom. I work and come home... and repeat. I feel like I'm going to be by myself for a long time because I can't move on from my first and pretty much only relationship. I'm frustrated because it feels like I was easily gotten over, and here I am still thinking about them and wanting to be with them. Its like "Damn recee, get over it!!" But I can't. They are my friend and the last thing I want is to do is lose them as my friend because I can't get it together. I don't have many people I can call my close friends, so to lose one would devastate me. I have people who I consider my close friends who I barely talk to anymore because I feel like a bother to them...So I just seclude myself so that I don't become one.

I just want to be happy, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore to make that happen. I don't expect anyone to understand what it is I am going through. I don't want people to pity me. I just need everyone to know that I am trying my best to do what is best for me, and right now I'm just at a place where I have no idea what to do. I had to vent some of these feelings out.