"What's Wrong Recee?"

I've been asked this question so many times, and my response was always the same to EVERYONE...Nothing. Well ladies and gentlemen, I have finally broken. "Nothing" is not the answer you are gonna get from me. Everything seems to be wrong with me, and it has been like this for a long time. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I have tried so hard to hide how I feel from everyone. Tried to hide it behind every smile, laugh, and moments of silence. I am far from happy with how my life is right now. I've heard the saying happiness is a choice, in my case its not... I have gone to bed so many nights sick to my stomach because my feelings are all over the place... I'm lonely even in a room full of people. I have restless nights because I feel so unfulfilled with the progress I made in a single day. I'm deeply frustrated with myself because I can't express myself to people like I should. I find myself envious of those close to me who are in loving relationships, and makes me question my self worth. "Whats wrong with me?" is the question that I ask myself everyday. I still regret decisions I made in the past because I thought I wasn't good enough. I become upset with myself because when I have the opportunity to express my feelings to people, I hold it in out of fear of being embarrassed and losing them in my life. Even as I type this post I feel the need to hold back out of fear of people reading this and looking at me in a negative light.

I just want to do well in life, and I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm 23 years old and still living with my mom. I work and come home... and repeat. I feel like I'm going to be by myself for a long time because I can't move on from my first and pretty much only relationship. I'm frustrated because it feels like I was easily gotten over, and here I am still thinking about them and wanting to be with them. Its like "Damn recee, get over it!!" But I can't. They are my friend and the last thing I want is to do is lose them as my friend because I can't get it together. I don't have many people I can call my close friends, so to lose one would devastate me. I have people who I consider my close friends who I barely talk to anymore because I feel like a bother to them...So I just seclude myself so that I don't become one.

I just want to be happy, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore to make that happen. I don't expect anyone to understand what it is I am going through. I don't want people to pity me. I just need everyone to know that I am trying my best to do what is best for me, and right now I'm just at a place where I have no idea what to do. I had to vent some of these feelings out.